If you watch any of the major news networks, you’ve likely heard about the Bigfoot found in Georgia. Over at http://searchingforbigfoot.com/ they’ve got some photos of the “Bigfoot” stuck in a freezer. The company promoting the find promised a press conference on the 15th, during which they would provide photographs, DNA evidence and other proof. Needless to say, the press conference never happened and no proof has been provided.

Cryptozoology is tough to tackle. While most of it is obviously bullshit, such as the Chupacabra, every once in a while something turns out to be true. The white orca, giant squid and saola are all real and were mostly discovered due to efforts from people who claim to cryptozoologists. A few success stories have made people think that every imaginary creature could be real.

Since these myths do occasionally turn out to be true, here are a few reasons why Bigfoot isn’t.

First of all, primates aren’t native to North America, so any large primate would have to have migrated over with humans. The Sasquatch would have to be pretty widespread and likely exist in northern Asia and most of North America. To survive this long, there would likely have to be a substantial population. We’re not talking about a small population in a localized area, this would be a large population spread across the entire continent. The chances of thousands of 7 foot tall primates going unnoticed for thousands of years on a continent with half a billion people is pretty slim.

Some people have said that the reason we haven’t found a sasquatch is because they’re really good at hiding. Unfortunately, no dead animal is good at hiding, so we probably would’ve found a least a bone or two. Even if they are good at hiding, omnivorous mammals, like bears and raccoons, have a penchant for human trash. Logic would say that any grocery store’s dumpster would be a sasquatch’s dream buffet, and catching a glimpse of one would be as easy as taking a trip to your local Piggly Wiggly after dark.

With all this in mind, the complete and total lack of evidence seals the bigfoot’s fate. It’s fake. Sorry. If you need a pick me up, go watch Harry and the Hendersons; just keep your cryptid garbage out of my news. This includes you Montauk!